OPERATION-Get Mommy Back! (The idea)

 

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(after taking these pics, I sat there looking at them on my phone and it officially hit me that I have a lot of kids & not only that but they are all really little! 🙂 it’s funny how you see yourself differently in a picture/video than you see yourself in real life.)

Lately I have been struggling with numerous things but especially with my role of being a mother to my 3 beautiful children. I’m sure it has been partially due to a lack of sleep but I had been noticing each day was getting worse and worse, and I would literally wake up already looking forward to bedtime for the kids. My prayers (when said) would consist of asking for help to be patient and loving with my kids but without fail the time where I was losing my patience was happening earlier and earlier in the day. The vicious cycle was literally eating me alive. I always felt guilty but I was at a point where I was just giving up quicker and quicker.

I feel for me that to really want to change, things have to get pretty bad before I end up wanting to do a major over-haul. This happened.

I am a pretty proactive positive person for the most part but I admit I have been in a funk with my motherly duties for a few months now, and like I said each day I could literally see it slipping away from me. So I hit a wall and broke down to my sister-in-law, (had already minorly broke down to my sister, mom, mother-in-law, and random friends before as well) but as I sat there mass texting my sis-in-law, venting my feelings and emotions, and crying while texting b/c I knew things had gotten really bad, I felt trapped. And then as soon as I got it all out it was like the answers were unfolding immediately after the texting fiasco was over. I realized…

THIS CAN CHANGE! It’s all up to me! The power is in my hands and I need to take control!

All this time I have been trying to “fix” my kids and trying to figure out what is wrong with them/me and our relationship.

The whole time it has been me!

So that night I was up late making a plan to change. I named it “OPERATION-get mommy back!” I wrote out my rough draft and then also ran to the store and got some supplies so that I could start first thing the next morning.

I decided I was going to devote an entire week completely to my kids and then after the week assess how things went and what I could change and tweak. My days had recently been consisting of me doing everything possible to keep them busy with other people and activities so I could have a “break” but what I was getting out of that was 2 very cranky, sassy, ungrateful kids and a very mean mom. I would be in tears most days at some point b/c I was so frustrated with what was happening.

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the plan

I could hardly sleep that night because I was so excited for our new adventure together! I was also assuming that it would take a few days for things to settle in and for the kids to get used to their “new” mom. Remember this was going to be a COMPLETE transformation for mom and for our days. Updates on our progress to come…

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Losing a loved one

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A few months ago we came to find out that my grandma was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and probably has had it for awhile. She decided to give chemotherapy a shot and see if it would get rid of the cancer. After going through a few treatments they checked and found out that the cancer wasn’t responding to the chemo, so since then she has just been trying to manage the pain.

I was recently able to make a trip out to see her and spend time with her and I was over come with so many emotions. I have never had someone close pass away before so the whole experience for me has been a whirlwind of emotion. I know without a doubt that I will get to see her and the rest of my loved ones again after this life, but why is that not enough? Why do I still feel so fearful and upset and sad? My anxiety level even just thinking about all the what if’s, could haves, and so on goes through the roof.

Since a young age I haven’t liked the idea of dying. I remember watching a show on TV around 10 years old about this teenager who had died but came back and was hanging out with his same friends in school and he didn’t realize/accept that he was dead. It was a light hearted, comical youth show but to me it was so troubling. I would go to sleep at night feeling restless and short of breath just at the thought of the after life and the fear of the unknown. There are so many unknowns and I think that is the hardest part for me.

This experience with my grandmother has given me a different outlook on life and how I want to continue to live from here on out. It is so easy to get caught up in the day to day things and when I look back on my days I want to see that there has been meaning and purpose to my days–each and every one of them, whether it be helping out a friend, or being a good wife or mother, being kind to a stranger in passing, spending quality positive time with loved ones, etc. Family has and always will be so important to me, but now more than ever I am realizing that life is so short and time goes by so fast, and we don’t have control over what is in store for us, so I want to make sure I take full advantage of all the little moments. I truly want to live with no regrets. This isn’t something that happens over night, this will take practice and attention but I am no longer going to just live, I am going to live with purpose and meaning.

We may not be in control of the path our life takes BUT we can be in control of the smoothness of the ride with our perspective and attitude and our pro activeness to do good. Again this kind of goes back to having a heart of gratitude (earlier post). Life is what we make of it and no matter what happens it can be a good one if we try to see the positive in all things. My grandma has and continues to live a long full life. She has many people who love her very much. I hurt inside knowing the pain she is going through mentally and physically, but the Lord loves her and is watching out for her and I myself need to have faith that whatever happens is out of anyones control. I have so many fun memories of this grandma and as great as it would be to have even more, I truly cherish those memories I do have of the times we have gotten to spend together.

*some things I want to remember…
-looking at old photos every time I was with her and talking about family past and present.
-her cooking! I always loved when she would come and stay with us as kids while my parents went away b/c she always made us whatever we wanted and it was homemade and so yummy! my favorite was the extra thick cut bacon every morning! 🙂 we always joked that us kids gained 10 pounds while grandma came to stay b/c of her good cooking
-her southern accent is truly one of the best memories. she has a thick southern accent and my siblings and I would talk in our best southern accents for a good week or so after seeing her.
-her sarcastic, spicy humor. now as an adult I see where my dad got his humor. he jokes around constantly just like his mom. Love this about her.
-her kindness. she truly is one of the sweetest, loving ladies I will ever know. She would help any family member with anything, sometimes too much to a fault, but I love how selfless she is, especially after all she has been through.
-the trip my sister and I took out to see her and we took her to get her very first pedicure and manicure. she loved it and was so funny and couldn’t sit still so they had to keep re doing her polish. she was so nervous at first but afterwards kept saying how much she couldn’t wait to go back.
-watching her play with, hold, and rock our babies (her great-grandchildren). it was so special to be there and see her loving on the little babies.

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 **Today I am grateful for…

group texting. I know many people find is really annoying but I love to group text my family and connect with each other even though we are all spread out across the US. Being so far from family now, I often get lonely and homesick for my family; close and extended and with being able to group text, it really feels like we are all together hanging out. I love it.

cereal. the days where I am feeling lazy and not wanting to make anything at all but I’m still so hungry, grabbing a yummy bowl of cereal is the best thing ever, and thankfully today I had both cereal and milk in the house to enjoy. 🙂

memorial day. I have great memories as a kid going around to different cemeteries with one of my grandmas and cousins and my grandma would tell us all about the people whose graves we were visiting. I love family history and genealogy and truly love that we can have a special day to remember all loved ones and soldiers who have passed away.

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Gratitude

I have read and heard so many times over the years about ways to help to keep a grateful heart and this has always been a big deal to me but with the craziness of life and little ones my days all seem to blur together sometimes.

I would LOVE to be able to keep a current journal but for me journaling is catching up on 10 pages worth of writing once every 6 months! It’s so crazy how time slips away from us that quickly.  So for me I started a while back writing in my journal just one thing every day that I could see the Lord’s hand in. They ended up being the most random things and things that some people may think were pure luck, but on the days that I am going a million miles an hour and have kids throwing tantrums every which way and poopy diapers up the whazoo, I DEFINITELY see me going to the grocery store and finding the very last carton of my favorite chocolate almond milk sitting ever so nicely in the way way back behind the regular almond milk a blessing from my Heavenly Father and proof that he is looking out for me.

Its those little things that really make such a difference to me and the more I write and strive to find those things in my days the more they seem to happen, but in all reality I think I am just recognizing them more because my mind is open to them. At the end of the day when I feel like I haven’t accomplished anything or that nothing went as planned it is a great exercise for me to really ponder how I was watched over that day. It helps me to see that I am loved and cared about.

There have been many times where being a mom for me has been so lonely, when my kids act like they hate me and I’m the worst thing in the world, my husband is out of town and my friends all have lives of their own. When daily tasks just seem daunting and never ending and I get very down on myself for not being the “perfect” mother or wife, it’s truly amazing to have a heart of gratitude in those moments and it changes all that I am feeling and shows me that I am never alone.

Gratitude is seriously such an amazing feeling. And the more grateful I am for things the more I seem to notice more things to be grateful for. I love how a grateful heart creates more gratitude. It is just so cool!

**Things I am grateful for today**

1.)I have been really working on slimming down, especially after this last baby and today when I went to the gym every treadmill was being used, so I walked over to talk to my hubby all while thinking how it was so lame that I came to the gym on a Saturday morning because there is no point because of how busy everything was in there and then when I came back there was one that had opened up and I was able to get a great run in.

2.)All 3 of my kids took naps today at the same time and I was able to catch a short nap too!

Check out this link below for an awesome talk all about gratitude! After I heard this is gave me such a better outlook on having a grateful heart!

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/04/grateful-in-any-circumstances?lang=eng